


When the light is gone

by Blablabea



Series: Fixing terrible writing with maybe even more terrible writing (season 14) [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: 14x01, Archangels, Hurt/Comfort, Lucifer friendly, M/M, Nick is alive and not happy about it, angel grace, angel posession, before the show inevitably fucks it up, being a vessel sucks, end of s13/start of s14, he is just a sad dude, i mean it's a bit of a spoiler but we all knew he was alive anyways, it's just a reflection on their relationship, luci loved nick and you cannot convince me otherwise, man's got issues, misses his angel, without the comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-13
Updated: 2018-10-13
Packaged: 2019-08-01 11:24:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,072
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16283699
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blablabea/pseuds/Blablabea
Summary: A moment of reflection from Nick's perspective from season 5 to 13/14 when he wakes up in the church. So many things have changed, but in the beginning and in the end, he is alone.





	When the light is gone

Nick remembered dying.

Well, it wasn’t dying, but it felt like it. When one houses an archangel, it can’t feel any other way. The grace, the power, the all-consuming beauty of fire and ice and thunder folding inside one simple human body, constrained in one space it wasn’t meant to fit from the beginning.  
It felt like dying, but really, it was life in him.

  
He remembered only bits and pieces, the first time Lucifer possessed him he didn’t want to see the world anymore, it felt empty without his wife and his child, he was much happier to doze in the deepest parts of the angel’s grace and bask in all that glory. He was content to let everything slip by him, cause everything doesn’t mean much when you have nothing to live for anymore.

Sometimes Lucifer would come to him. He didn’t much care about a lonely human's life, but after eons of solitude and nothingness that was hell, Nick figured the devil needed some company. So they talked, mostly Lucifer talked, about paradise and what was before, and what soon will be. Because he had a plan, for everything to be better again, and of course, they talked about Sam. The perfect human for Lucifer. The only one who had all of his respect, his admiration, his unconditional love. Nick wasn’t jealous much, he didn’t consider himself worthy of this immense beautiful being's attention, but it would be a lie to say he wasn’t envious of Sam. Who the universe had a plan for, and this plan included becoming one with the archangel. But Lucifer wasn’t in Sam now, he was in Nick. And Nick was content to enjoy it while he could.  
So he listened and learned, hoping that he would remember all of this time once Lucifer left him. He knew it would happen, and then maybe, maybe, he could finally rest, knowing he got his revenge against everything.

 

The second time Lucifer possessed him, it was so different he feared it wasn’t him anymore. It was so angry and in pain, such deep pain that Nick wanted to soothe the angel the best he could with his soul. But Lucifer just pushed him away, and locked him in his own head, in the dark.  
He didn’t want to be with him, and to know that hurt a thousand times more than the possession itself. He wondered what happened, who could hurt Lucifer so much to make his grace feel like that. Not for the first time, he wished he was more powerful, so he could kill whoever dared to take him away from his family. Lucifer was everything he had left, and he was determined to help him.

The black around him crumbled, rocked with waves of screams and pain, that Nick found out were from the archangel himself. Demons first, then an angel, no, Michael?

Nick got glimpses of what was happening, feelings and thoughts from Lucifer, and with that, the pain also hit him, of spikes in his sides and cracked ribs and then the loss of the grace was what made everything crumble down. He couldn’t help him, but he wanted to, oh he wanted to.  
There was no plan now, no Sam, no perfect vessel to steal his Light away, so he had to help and be close to Lucifer. Of course, Lucifer couldn’t feel Nick's soul, trapped in a nearly human form as he was, but Nick tried to comfort him how he could, not hiding in a corner, but by giving all he could to try and give strength to the little grace it was left.

Maybe he didn’t quite manage to power the archangel back, but if he managed to make him shiver less in cold nights or feel less hunger, then Nick was happy. Giving his soul to who already had his body and conquered his heart, seemed something small. He would do anything for him. Lucifer helped him when he needed a helping hand, he'll do the same.

 

  
He didn’t see the end when it came. He felt the surge of power, the rollercoaster of emotion and then sudden fear, of the lines he never felt before from the archangel. And then.

And then.

Nothing.

 

It was cold, and it hurt, and he didn’t remember how he was supposed to breathe, but his body still did. Opening his eyes, Nick tried to sit and immediately recoiled from the pain. He didn’t feel real physical pain in so long, it caught him by surprise. He rolled to his side, curling and closing his eyes. He was so cold. So cold. And dark.

The light was missing, his Light was missing, and he mourned.

 

  
Voices were talking near him, maybe to him, Nick wasn’t sure and he didn’t care. Lucifer was gone and it felt like worse than death, cold and empty and alone. When he managed to open his eyes he saw a face he recognized in front of him, with a blade raised and a look of fear and anger on his face.  
But that wasn’t important. It was him. He was there, he didn’t leave him again. He wouldn’t be alone again.

Nick offered a weak smile up at his savior, his angel, he was not in him anymore but if Sam Winchester was standing in front of him, that meant-

“Lucifer? Lucifer Is that you?”

Sam blinked a couple of times, taking half a step back, and most of the anger melted into confusion. Then realization slowly came up to his eyes, and he kneeled next to Nick, who was still looking up at him, searching his eyes, hoping to hear the words.

When Sam hovered near him with a slight smile on his face, Nick thought to be in heaven.  
But then he spoke, and he realized he couldn’t be more wrong.  
“No. No, he’s dead. Lucifer is dead"

  
Dead. Dead. That word continued to play inside his brain, and Nick suddenly didn’t know how he should talk past the lump in his throat, or to look at anything past the burning in his eyes, and think of anything other than the pounding of his head and the blood rushing in his ears.

Dead

Dead

Lucifer was dead, his angel, his Light, was gone. And he was still alive. The cold and emptiness came over him, and Nick fell back on the floor unconscious.

**Author's Note:**

> Don't be too harsh on me, I don't know what I am doing here.


End file.
